And We Keep Her in Our Safest Places

One of our favorite bedtime traditions is to watch the slideshows I made for their birthdays. They love listening to the music and watching themselves and each other "grow up". We snuggle in and start with Lennox, then Iris, then Ella. Stairway to Heaven plays as the only pictures we'll ever have of her calm our voices and our hearts. Most of the time they fall asleep before it's over. Sometimes, like last night, beautiful conversation follows. Iris asked "How did Ella get to Heaven?" "I don't know, baby." I answered. She continued without hesitation, "I was in Heaven before I came back." "You were?" I asked, treading carefully. "Yeah." "Were you here before?" She sighed and rolled over as she answered "I don't remember", and fell asleep. Tears ran down my face as I thought about the magic inside all my children. The connection between them. The pictures of Ella that Iris snuck from my dresser and keeps in her jewelry box, worn and wrinkled.

December is back. It is heavy. It holds equal amounts of grief and love and they are hard to carry. We carry her together. She is in all of us, and we keep her in our safest places.