Ella's Name

One of the things I've really been looking forward to with Ella's Soapbox has been for someone to see me in public and say something like "oh, you're Ella's mom. I know about her!"

That happened today.

Thank you all for sharing Ella, her story and our purpose. It means more than you can imagine.

I've said before that we experienced Ella and Lennox in a number of different ways throughout pregnancy and beyond. The first in a long line of stories begins with Ella's name.

Brad and I had decided to name our babies Lennox and Marley. We arrived to our first session with Debra Basham in August, a little over 7 years after she married us. Debra and I hugged at the back door and I felt such a relief. I knew she was going to help us but I couldn't imagine at the time the ways our lives and hopes and truths were about to change.

Debra asked if I felt that any of my loved ones who have passed ever communicate with me. I responded before she even finished her question with a resounding "oh yes!! My Grandma leaves things out of place for me all the time; I know it's her." Debra's eyes grew wide and she talked about an incident that had occurred right before Brad and I showed up. Earlier that day, Debra had done a tarot reading with a deck of cards on her desk. When she returned to the same deck just before our appointment, she noticed that a card from an animal Tarot deck which was across the room was now sitting on top. She said that she had believed this was meant for her and that she had even already taken a picture of it and sent it to her sister but now she knew it was for me. It was a Cricket card. We looked up its meaning together.

"...many believing them to be the reincarnation of relatives... the appearance of Cricket heralds an awakening of sensitivities and the finding of light within the dark... dreams will become more clairvoyant and Cricket reminds us we can truly rely on our own dream-time perceptions..."

I just smiled and nodded. I was sure my grandma had something to do with that card and it was no surprise.

We spent a long while talking about Ella, Lennox, our fears, our anger, our helplessness, my guilt and the journey before us. I went to bed that night exhausted and without giving the cricket another thought. Until I woke up. And woke up again. I woke peacefully that night at least 10 times, knowing in my soul that I had just talked to my babies and that I was about to close my eyes and talk to them again. And I did. Over and over. In the morning I only remembered one dream. We had just had the babies - they were newborn adults. Brad, Lennox and I were standing over Marley and I said "Hi Marley." She said "That's not my name, mom. My name is Ella." I nodded and said "okay" and then watched from a distance as the four of us talked in my dream world. I regained the point of view of myself in the dream and looked at my daughter as I heard God call her name. Ella. She looked behind her and back at us apologetically and I said "It's okay. We love you so much. You can go."

And I woke up. And I knew my babies.

When I shared this story with Debra she urged me to look up the meaning of the name Ella. Ella means Light. And I found her in all my darkness.