Four years without her

Year 4. Four years without her. How has it been so long?

Lennox understands that his birthday is in December. He understands, after all the birthdays he's witnessed this past year, that it's a time for celebration and cake and gifts. He's looking forward to it and we're counting down on our calendar. We also have a paper chain counting down to Christmas and a special link in that chain for December 16th.

December 16th. A birth date that was decided. One we chose. A date that, once it passed my lips as the birth day of my twins, I knew would never be the same. Full of both grief and joy. Forever.

Lennox will be 4 in a few weeks. He asks about Ella. He wants me to tell him where she is, but he also has his own ideas.

Mommy, she's in my heart.
Mommy, she's with Santa.
Mommy, she's in the tree.
Mommy, she's my angel.

My children know about death. I did not keep this from them.

Because they know about death, they know about love. They know about faith. They know about hope. They know about Ella.

I will never mute my love for their sister. I hope that it shows them the depths of my love for them. It crosses the universe, the heavens, and the everything.

I am the mother I am because of all three of them. I am the person I am because of their love.