Her Name Is Ella (Listen to Your Mother 2017 Reading)

My dad and I were walking to our cars the night before their first birthday. He only said “what a year” as we walked in silence knowing all that those words held. He helped me put Lennox into the car before walking to his own and as I turned my key, instead of the usual static radio, Stairway to Heaven played softly through my car. I cried.

As I drove with Lennox to my brother’s wedding, wishing my husband could be with us, wishing my daughter was with us, as we were on our way there – or on our way anywhere as the family we were supposed to be, Bob Marley’s Three Little Birds came through my iPod, telling me that every little thing was gonna be alright. I cried.

As I was driving with Lennox babbling in the backseat, laughing at what seemed to me like nothing, I thought “How lucky am I?” and “Oh, how much I love him”. And at that moment, Sweet Child o’ Mine reached through the speakers and into my heart, and I cried.

I have a daughter. Her name is Ella. She spent 37 weeks growing in my belly with her brother and she spent three and a half days with us after her birth. She is not gone.

Before their birth, all of our heartbeat recordings were put to music. Lennox’s to the lullaby rendition of Sweet Child o’ Mine, Ella’s to Stairway to Heaven, and the four of us to Three Little Birds. These songs, both the originals and our heartbeat-sprinkled lullabies, play in my car when I need them. I know that it’s Ella; this is how she comforts me.

It has been a difficult 16 months since we lost our daughter. My grief and the loss I feel run side by side with my happiness and the joy I feel for Lennox. One does not cancel the other out.

Lennox has a sister. Her name is Ella. They spent 37 weeks growing together in my belly and three and a half days together after their birth. She is not gone.

We talk to Lennox about his sister. Pictures of her are throughout our home and he laughs and says her name when he sees them. I hope she visits him. I hope they share a special bond that transcends the limits we perceive on this world.

As we prepared for Ella’s funeral on December 23rd, 2015, a beautiful, full twin rainbow appeared outside. A rainbow became a symbol of Ella’s promise. That she is here. And that, somehow, everything is going to be ok. Maybe it was a promise of something else. On their first birthday, a day already filled with so much emotion, we found out we’re having another baby.

Babies born after a loss have been called Rainbow Babies because they are the hope and beauty after a storm. Ella was her own rainbow. She was her own beauty and the circumstances surrounding her life and death were our storm. But there were two rainbows that day. So, our new baby girl has been named Iris, after the Greek Goddess of the rainbow. In Greek Mythology Iris would ride the rainbow as a bridge between Heaven and Earth.

I believe that Ella and her new baby sister are in the same place. I like to think that this little girl chose us because Ella shared with her how much she is loved and how much she is missed. I love believing that Ella gets to spend this time with her sister. I imagine them sharing wisdom, playing, laughing, and I imagine them watching over us together as we prepare for Iris’ birth.

There is so much excitement over our new baby. My fear and guilt about this pregnancy have given way to happiness and love.

And through it all, I have a daughter whose name is Ella, and she will always be here.