July Second

July 2, 2019

Four years ago I got news that changed my being forever. Before I knew Ella's name or gender, I knew that she would not live. For thirty seven weeks my body was her home and for thirty seven weeks I kept her safe. She knew this world so briefly but the love and light she brought with her still shine.

I miss you, pretty girl. I see you everywhere. You are forever mine and I am forever yours.

July 2, 2021

Here we are again, this crippling memory of my first moment of grief. The moment I knew I would carry her forever. Despite my overwhelming need to collapse, to join her, to change history, to scream, I move forward by carrying her with me. Losing Ella isn't something that happened. I lose her every morning, every storytime, every bathtime, every adventure day, every milestone, every night. And every morning I wake up and lose her again.

Six years ago life changed forever. I changed forever.

This is a hard day for me. I want to give it back to the cruel universe and get my baby girl in return. I wish I could strike it from the record. This can't be right. It isn't supposed to be like this.

I will sit with this for as long as I need to. I will face this terrible memory and then I will hug the children I can hug, and together we will carry Ella through another day.

"Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried."