Our Seventh December

Our seventh December. I've loved you for seven Decembers.

Early in my grief after losing Ella I met a loss mom in her seventh year. I couldn't fathom it. I could not imagine the next few days and months let alone the next few years. The lifetime I would spend without her. I didn't want to know seven years without my daughter but time is cruel and here I stand. It did not stop for me to catch my breath, to steady my hands, to plant my feet. It didn't make her loss easier. It has taken her further from me. God, I miss her. She was in my arms for three and a half days. Three and a half days. Seven years ago. It seems impossible.

Lennox is about to lose his fourth tooth. Iris is in her first year at public school. I'm not a mom of babies anymore, or a mom of toddlers, I'm a mother of children and keeping her present in our lives is both more difficult and more effortless.

Lennox and Iris include her in their play. When Iris pretends to be me, she always has three children. Sometimes she has 45 children, but they and Ella are always among them. She's embedded in their lives and she's a part of who they are. I'm so grateful that my children carry Ella with me. She belongs to all of us.

December is as heavy as it's ever been. Seven is no easier. A piece of my heart is still in heaven and she is missed in every moment.