Smiles from Ella

It doesn't get easier. Each day that passes, the world seems to move on just a little bit more. If anything, this year is harder. I miss her and it hurts. I want her back. I want to buy her Christmas presents for her bedroom instead of flowers for her headstone. I want to watch her face light up at every Christmas tree, just like her brother's. I want her to cuddle with us on the couch. I want her to give her sister love and be so sweet to her the way Lennox is. I even want them to fight.

It's hard to have a daughter after losing one. I held my breath the first three and a half days of Iris' life. I still hold my breath. I've watched her sleep. I've woken her up countless times just to make sure I could.

Ella would be two in a few days. I wonder constantly who she would be.

I think every mother fears that she isn't a good mother. The idea that I wouldn't be able to separate Ella and Iris is as ridiculous to me now as the idea that I wouldn't be able to love Lennox through my pain. When love is so great, hearts grow to hold it. And when love breaks your heart, other pieces of you step up to help and you love with your soul, with your ears, your toes, and everything in between.

There are times when Iris looks at me with wisdom in her eyes and I know beyond knowing that she is bringing me smiles from Ella.

I don't have any stories to share; I just miss her so much. And it hurts.